B&A: What is your opinion on this excerpt? I'd love your comments/criticism (+BQ)?

Question

First off, it's rough. Secondly I have been trying to find a suitable opening to my chapter one for WEEKS, although nothing is quite making the mark. I'm not even sure if this will :\
But anywho, What do you think? would you read more?
too much description? does it flow properly?

Oliver Fincher approached the small, round table with caution, not wanting to startle the girl occupying it. Her face was twisted in an expression Oliver couldn’t quite pinpoint, and the last thing he wanted to do was frighten the poor young lady, who had failed to notice the now-cold, lemon honey tea placed on the wooden table in front of her. He moved slowly to her side, hooking his thumbs through peacock-patterned braces, letting his elbows hang, relaxed.
After a moment, the girl’s eyes flickered and she turned her head to face the old man who had now appeared at her table. Her gaze was unfocused, her amber eyes bleary and Oliver wondered whether it was because she had gone on unblinking for some time. His brow creased, worriedly.
“Anything I can help with, Florence?” he asked.
Florence shook her head and smiled weakly. “Nothing at all to be honest, Mr Fincher.”
Oliver Fincher nodded but did not leave her side. The dimly lit teahouse was far from busy and no customer was in need of his hospitality quite yet. And as much as he knew the girl was wanting to be alone, her desperate eyes kept him tethered to the spot.
“You know,” he said, his own eyes large and blue, twinkling in the lamplight. “Sometimes talking to a fickle old person like me can do wonders – we are an expert bunch when it comes to those wearisome, unwanted mind matters.”
Florence sat in silence, struggling for an answer. The ticking clogs hidden under her mass of tangled hair, could be almost audible, Oliver imagined.
“Thanks Mr Fincher...” she said after a long moment. “But I’ve got to head back to school – lunch’s almost over.”
Florence placed her hand inside her blazer and pulled out a handful of coins, holding it out for Oliver to collect. Her eyes rested on him as he pocketed the shrapnel, while she shrugged her school bag onto her shoulders.
The last thing she wanted to do was leave the comfort of the cluttered, miss-matched Oliver’s Teahouse. The small place was cramped with unusual assortments of teapots, cups and matching saucers which lined the entire room on dark wooden, built-in shelves. Colourful bags of various flavoured tea were wedged in between. Sighing, Florence gave the odd cafe one last sweeping glance before stepping out into the bright, spring sunshine; all the while struggling to hold back her tears.

thanks :)
(it goes onto talk about why she is 'sad' but it leaves a lot of mystery at the same time)


BQ - what do you do if your starting chapter just isn't clicking?
I haven't found the right one thus far, altohugh with a little work this excerpt may just tickle my fansy. Also, I HAVE written on, but I just don't feel comfortable chopping and changing, I'd rather rite from chapter one to the end, not all-over the place.

Answer 1

I can tell you were tense while writing this by reading the first few lines as their sentence structure is a bit awkward. However you quickly seem to be getting into it and your writing starts to flow. You had some beautiful description in there, and the tone of sadness and bitterness fit’s the happening just right. This beginning keeps the reader interested. The sense of mystery adds suspense. I liked how the story starts with Oliver and then progresses to focus on Florence. It gives a nice insight on how she is perceived by the people around her.

In general, you did a good job on this. Your writing style is indeed very beautiful and classical. I like that. For the first few sentences, I think it would be better if you’d put a full-stop at “Oliver couldn’t quite pinpoint, and the” instead of a comma. It would improve the flow as very long sentences get chaotic easily. Also I would replace the word ‘pinpoint’ with ‘identify’. I think ‘identify’ would fit your writing style more. Also as Oliver appears to be a older character, a youthful expression seems kinda out of place. But those are just my recommendations. You don’t need to follow them. You already did a great job at writing!

Answer 2

BQ -Hey, I've had this problem loads: a starting chapter that doesn't click. And mostly it's the first few sentences that need rearranging. But if nothing good comes to mind, I start with dialogue.

However, I think this piece of yours works fine. Kept my attention all the way through and left me with many questions when I was done reading it.

One thing: In the first paragraph you kind of say the same thing twice: "not wanting to startle the girl" "the last thing he wanted to do was frighten the poor young lady". I don't think you should include the second < quote because it tells the reader, rather than shows them - and you make a really good point of showing she's frightened and upset later on: "failed to notice the now-cold, lemon honey tea placed on the wooden table "

(=

edit:

I think this paragraph is great:

The small place was cramped with unusual assortments of teapots, cups and matching saucers which lined the entire room on dark wooden, built-in shelves. Colourful bags of various flavoured tea were wedged in between. Sighing, Florence gave the odd cafe one last sweeping glance before stepping out into the bright, spring sunshine; all the while struggling to hold back her tears.

*just spotted a minor error: you say "bright spring sunshine" and then later on you say it was "september".

Answer 3

It's nice.....I can't even guess what the story is about, and there's so many possibilities. This could be a good starting chapter actually. Because from this chapter you could veer off into any other theme.



Good Luck! :)



EDIT: That's getting better, you're building up the mystery and making the reader curious as to why Florence is sad. Just don't prolong the mystery and hide the secret for beyond a chapter.

Answer 4

That was a really nice excerpt. I'd love to keep reading.

Only a couple of tips:



I don't understand how Florence could have "ticking clogs hidden under her mass of tangled hair." Clogs are wooden shoes, worn more commonly in Northern Europe. Did you mean cogs, the wheels pivotal in the movement of clock hands?



Also, I couldn't relate with the name 'Florence'. It seemed far too out-dated to suit a high school student.



But it was still very enjoyable to read. One of the best pieces I've come across on here I'd say.

Answer 5

Good so far. You've got good grammar, spelling and punctuation, so it was easy to focus on the story. It's compelling, leaves the reader guessing. I'd like to read more. :)