How do you like the first chapter of this book I'm writing?

Question

Saturday, December 14 2009 5:27 am
Ural Mountains, Russia

Bandley Nickel’s life had changed. He went from being a kind hearted guy with a heart of gold, to a killer, to a betrayer of himself. He had been pulled in by his childish ambition, torn out by hate. Anyone who saw him right now, would find him pathetic, he thought. He didn’t care though. He wasn’t raised to care what other people thought. Bandley wished all his troubles in his life would fade, but he knew that wasn’t the case, he knew at this moment in his life, wasn’t the right moment. The snow was knee deep and he had to find shelter. He shivered. The symptoms of hypothermia were getting worse. Adding to the shutters of his nervous system, BUNDLE’s head throbbed with pain from starvation and dehydration. It’s all his fault. It’s all his........BUNDLE’s eyes flickered, then rolled into the back of his head. Unconscious he laid, in the cold, unforgiving world.

Answer 1

This is a first chapter? It's very, very short. There could be so much. This piece has alot of potential and can be made into at least a page and a half of material.



I can't really critique you because I'm no writer, though I'm currently working on something for the very first time. I am however an avid reader so I'll just tell you what I think as a reader.



Firstly, I find myself wanting to travel, to find out why this Bandley (an odd name by the way) has gone from a kind hearted, heart of gold guy to a traitor and murderer.



He had been pulled in by his childish ambition, torn out by hate. What does that mean? Explain things a little more, be more descriptive I think lol.



And why the BUNDLE's? as in why is the name in caps, twice?



It sounds like an interesting story, but there just needs to be more detail, like flash us back to when he was kind hearted and tell us exactly how his life had changed other than he went from kind hearted to meaner than mean.



Maybe you were going to explain more as the story went on I don't know, but whatever the case, lengthen it out. Use imagery, syntax, description, detail.



There's not much else I can say except that, with alot of work, this could be good. It sounds like something I would read simply because you say he'd turned to a killer. But if the entire book was set out like this chapter, then I wouldn't enjoy it much.



Sorry if I didn't help.

Answer 2

I like what your going for but the first sentance looses the readers attention. Try starting it out by just using imagery.

Ex: Brandly Nickel forced himself to continue walking through the knee-high snow.

Then you could go into detail about his life and stuff.

Answer 3

Its nice but I don't think it'll be good for the first chapter. How 'bout make chapters before it that tells about the times he was kindhearted and how he became a betrayer to himself. Also state hi problems that he encountered.

Answer 4

It is quite nicely written, although it could do with a little more description and it needs some action pretty soon to hook the reader in. But so far, its good!!



Mine? It's no longer than yours.. *looks hopeful*

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