Can somebody give an HONEST assessment of this!?

Question

It is for a story, tell me what you think of it-

Of Alexandra VII's three children, the youngest, Roger Ramius Sergei Alexander Chiang MacClintok- known variously to political writers of his own time as "Roger the Terrible," "Roger the Mad," "the Tyrant," The Restorer," and even "The Kin-Slayer"- did not begin his career as the most promising material the famed MacClintock Dynasty had ever produced. Alexandra's child by Lazar Fillip, the sixth Ear of New Madrid, whom she never marreid, the then-Prince Roger was widely regarded prior to the Adoula Coup as an overly handsome, self-centered, clothes-consious fop.It was widely known within court circles that his mother nursed serious reservations about his reliability and was actively disappointed by his indolent, self-centered neglect of those duties and responsibilites which attached to his position as Heir Tertiary to the Throne of Man.Less widely known, although scarcely secret, was her lingering distrust of his loyalty

Whatcha think

Answer 1

Plagiarism is a bad thing. John Ringo and David Weber may have something to say about this if they are ever notified. Although if you frequent Baen's Books on the web you will find that the authors themselves frequent this site to get input on their novels, series' and just plain talking about their works. The only other thing I have to say is that if you ask John Ringo and David Weber if they are ever going to have a fifth book that gives everything closure?

Answer 2

very interesting introduction- maybe go a little slower with it?? I had to read it twice to make sense of it. Maybe introduce Roger Ramius Sergei Alexander Chiang MacClintok a little differently, then go into the family history later.

Is it supposed to be "MacClintock" or "MacClintok"?

Also, "the sixth Ear"? Don't you mean "Earl"?

I do like your description of this Roger, though: "overly handsome, self-centered, clothes-consious fop."

Maybe find a different phrase for "clothes-conscious" though. It doesn't quite sound correct.

Hope this helps, and good luck with the story.

Answer 3

Not good.



It sounds like you aren't comfortable with that particular style of writing. If you're determined to use that style you'd do yourself a favor by reading a couple of good books written in the same style. It will familiarize you with what you're attempting and save you time and frustration in the long run.

Answer 4

Too many convoluted names at the beginning of the story.

It's a turn off.

When you start a story--ANY STORY--make sure something is happening.

It doesn't matter what: just make sure it's SOMETHING.

And cut the pretentious sounding names out. All you're doing is confusing the reader.

Answer 5

Bad grammar, and the thing about the son makes no sense. Otherwise, it could be good for people who like these types of stories.

Answer 6

You should join www.gather.com and post your work if you're looking for readers and comments. They pay you for posting working, getting friends to join, commenting on other people's work. It's like a mini-myspace for "writers".

Answer 7

Writing tip: Don't use phrase "his mother nursed" unless you are talking about nursing. Maybe "his mother harbored".

Answer 8

honestly i dont like it, but not because of the writing thats really good but i not into those type of stoties

Answer 9

good

Answer 10

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