i want to become a writer is this good?

Question

Tuya's daughter By Asia Latham age 15

The sun raise all over amarna the cool breeze flys over the egyptian sand that was inscibe with egyptain kings and queens. The ones who build the empire to rain over the world. The past gods staues, view the city watching over what they made. The city of amarna upper egypt reamain restless satifying culture that will remain foever. the people slept peacefully snorrying softly. Glod glitter over the palace whre the king lives, and sets view over keeping his nation just right. Tuya the queen watches over egypt living up to her pround history. ''egypt will nerver die'' she whispers softly taking a seat in her chair that was laid out for viewing the city which we owned. My mother reached to take my hand, i took her diamond ringed fingers and sat on her lap the cool breeze gesture us. I look across the room of the king's chamber. wigs , diamonds makeup for court was laid out across her table that showed the pass rulers of the age. ''little tiye, focus''. my mother said as she tickled me. i followed her warm brown eyes she was looking over egypt. The sun was comimg up egyptian sand escaped from the mighty aten that will be raiseing us up pretty soon. ''tiye aways protect egypt, somday you will the queen''!

Answer 1

Your age is irrelevant. I could not care less if you were four or four hundred.



Dear god! Oh, the grammar!



- 'The sun raise all over amarna the cool breeze flys over the egyptian sand that was inscibe with egyptain kings and queens.' - you mean the sun 'rose' over 'Amarna' (notice the capital letter). You need an 'as' or something after where you put 'Amarna'. You mean the cool breeze 'flies' or, better 'blew'. Egyptian needs a capital E. You mean 'inscribed'. You need to capitalize the 'E' of Egyptian again. You need to specify if what was inscribed was the kings and queens' pictures or names (by the way, a king or queen in ancient Egypt was called a Pharaoh, get your facts right).



- You mean 'built' and 'reign' in the sentence after the one I just tore up.



-You mean 'the past gods'' (with an apostrophe) and you spelled 'statues' wrong. The comma after 'statues' is not needed. You mean 'what they HAD made'.



- You flicker between the past and present more than Doctor Who.



- CAPITALIZE PLACE NAMES.



- You spelled 'snoring' wrong.



- You spelled 'god' wrong.



- 'and sets view over keeping his nation just right' - this makes no sense. Like, at all.



- You need to capitalize the first letter after a full stop.



- You need to sort out your grammar inside speech marks.



- What? Is this third or first person?



- You need to capitalize 'I' every time.



- Still with the flicking between tenses! Good god.



- 'cool breeze gesture us' - this makes no sense at all.



- Remove the gaps between commas and the words before them.



- 'pass rulers' - you mean 'past'.



- You need to capitalize the first letters of names.



- 'The sun was comimg up egyptian sand escaped from the mighty aten that will be raiseing us up pretty soon' - everything about this sentence does not work.



- '''tiye aways protect egypt, somday you will the queen''!' - this too. Nothing about it right.



Holy sh*t.



I know I said age is irrelevant, but you are FIFTEEN YEARS OLD. I would expect this from a ten year old. None of it is grammatically correct. You have numerous spelling errors even though Yahoo has a spell checker and it is painfully obvious that you have not studied Ancient Egypt well enough to write a book on it.



I haven't studied it for years and I know that the kings and queens are called Pharaohs, and that the families did not work as you described.



Sort out the erratic tense changes, appalling spellings, terrible punctuation and horrible historical inaccuracy.



I'm sorry for being harsh but everything I have said is true. You need to learn Standard English before you even THINK about becoming a writer, and write about something you know next time.

Answer 2

No, it isn't good. The subject matter is interesting and it could potentially be good, but right now, there are far too many errors in grammar and spelling. And you use some peculiar words - for example, when you talk about 'sand that was inscribe with egyptain kings and queens' - that makes no sense at all. I'm not sure what you are trying to say, but sand isn't inscribed with kings and queens - or with anyone, for that matter.

There are a lot of sentence fragments and run-on phrases and then, in the middle of all this, you say 'My mother reached to take my hand," etc.etc. you've gone from third person to first person all in the same paragraph and haven't introduced either of your characters.

So - the bottom line is, you've got a lot of work to do. But one of the skills that writers have to develop is the ability to revise, rewrite, edit and improve - so start working on those skills.

Answer 3

I'mm sorry, but at this point, no, your writing isn't all that good. Check your spelling, grammar, punctuation and layout - without those it's really hard to understand what the whole thing's all about.

You jump from present to past tense and back a lot, just keep to one.



But, I think you have potential. If it wasn't for all the spelling and grammar errors you actually did a decent job on painting a picture with your words. Keep on writing - only writing will make you a better writer! =) Talk with your English teacher for help, he or she will most likely be able to give you some exercises to train your spelling and grammar.

Answer 4

Asia,



I'm sorry, but this is not good. It doesn't mean you can't become a good writer though. Go and get yourself a few books on writing in general. Get one on dialogue and point of view. Study them and write some short stories. It's best to buy the books so you can use a yellow marker (for example) to check back later on as a reference guide. Don't be discouraged. Even the best writers have been torn apart by critics, editors, literary agents, and publishers.



PJ M

Answer 5

Your first sentence is nonsensical. There are so many silly spelling mistakes, I am wondering if this is a joke, since a 15 year old should know the difference between 'reign' and 'rain', 'rays' and 'raise'. It sounds like a drunk person wrote this. You should get an English tutor before attempting to write anything longer than your name.

Answer 6

It's sounds really good. You just need to work on your English a little, rearrange your sentences and use capital letters, paragraphs etc.

I'm sure your English teacher will help you. Alternatively, you can join an online writing site such as mibba.com (there's others out there, but this is the one I use, and I think it would be age appropriate for you). You'd be able to get feedback from readers and other writers, as well as being able to access their stories which may inspire you further.

Good luck.

Answer 7

From what I've read it sounds interesting. But, this may be harsh but criticism helps you grow, you really need to work on your writing. It sounds all chopped up. Make your sentences flow smoother and you have a great story.

Answer 8

It just strikes me as funny that you don't even bother to use Spell Check and ask if the writing is any good.

Answer 9

Wooooow... I.e ripped you a new one..If you know what I mean... And yeah I would take his/her advice... Research before you write.

Answer 10

I think you should talk to your English teacher.

Answer 11

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